I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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