You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
