my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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