god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
