Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Randomize
