Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.