Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
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Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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