I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
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im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
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You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.