I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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