I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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