It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
