3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
