My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
