ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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