She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
FUCK WHALES
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
