not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
