Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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