she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent