We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING