This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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