She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
whose ass print is on the piano?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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