Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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