haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
