I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.