I smell stomach acid.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
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So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
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Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.