I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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