How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
