absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
