His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
