I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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