a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
