I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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