Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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