he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
