My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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