how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
