yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
