Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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