she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
