does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
