So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
barbara walters just said penis...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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