If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
