You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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