somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
