I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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