id be glad to
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
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Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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