I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize
