I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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