You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
