Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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