i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize