Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
