It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
