My liver just broke up with me...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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