Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
