hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
