Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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