She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
